Sunday, March 18, 2012

Dear Diary: The Boys Are Back In Town (Addendum)

Several people have suggested that the recent loss my Blue Devils suffered at the hands of Lehigh University was due, in part, to my last blog post (i.e. “The Boys Are Back In Town”).  While it has always been my belief (really, really strong hope) that Jesus has a sense of humor, I do not believe in leaving things to chance.  Therefore, this blog post (addendum) serves as an apology to the aforementioned “King of Kings”.

Before I get to that, however, I would like to take this opportunity to dispel several myths that seem to pervade (Yes, “pervade”.  Ivy League education, people.)  the vast landscape that is the Collective Human Delusion.  A “collusion of delusion”, if you will. (Or even if you won’t)

Myth: You look good in skinny jeans
Fact: There are approximately 12 people in the entire world that look good in skinny jeans.  Odds are, you are not one of them.  If you are male, you are definitely not one of them.

Myth:  Hats worn by Justin Timberlake or Andre 3000 look good on anyone
Fact:  Hats worn by Justin Timberlake or Andre 3000 look good on Justin Timberlake and / or Andre 3000.  The same holds true for vests.

Myth:  Diet Mountain Dew tastes delicious
Fact:  Diet Mountain Dew tastes like liquid self-loathing.  In fact, it’s not actually a diet drink.  It just tastes so bad that it makes you drink less of it, and the aftertaste makes you lose your appetite for up to six hours.

Myth:  Men sometimes get “sympathy cravings” when their significant other is pregnant
Fact:  Men get hungry, and they see pregnancy as an opportunity to eat the things they are not usually allowed to eat at times they are not usually allowed to eat them.  Ask yourself this question, ladies:  Does your man crave pickles and ice cream?  No.  Why?  Because that sh*t is disgusting.  Men “crave” smothered nachos and red meat (and the occasional salad, because intestinal irregularity is the downfall of a nation).  “Then why doesn’t every expectant father (i.e. ‘baby daddy’) get these cravings?” I hear some of you ask in disbelief.  Because every male collective decides within its membership which one, or ones depending upon the size of the group, gets to have cravings.  The key is to have enough men experience cravings to make the phenomenon believable, while keeping the number low enough so as not to raise suspicion.  Men may appear “simple”, but our processes are extremely complex.

Myth:  The person you hooked up with the other night hasn’t called you, because they lost your number
Fact:  The person you hooked up with the other night hasn’t called you, because they found their sobriety and self-respect…until the next time they lose their sobriety.

Myth: My body is like steel
Fact:  My body is actually like a material that combines steel with polished marble and wood from the mighty redwoods of Northern California.

Now, to the apology.

March 17, 2012

Dear Diary:

The day began like any other, which is to say with me waking from a sleep, perchance a dream.  (Shakespeare, people.  “Hamlet” to be exact.  Ivy League education?  No.  Dorothy Findlen.)  The inner warmth of The Duke Room did little to numb the pain of my Blue Devils early exit from the 2012 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament.

“Jesus,” I called out.  “Are you there?  It’s me, “not-Margaret”.  Are you spending the day with Maury?  I hear his Sundays are booked.”

“You know you’re not funny, right?” a voice responded from on high.  “Did you spend the entire night in here?”

“I find it comforting.  Like a womb.”

“Well that explains the in utero soundtrack you have playing in the background…while simultaneously raising a host of other questions.  You know I’m not really comfortable in this room…You added another devil???”

“That’s a gnome.”

“A gnome with a pitchfork and flaming basketball.”

“Yeah…a gnome.”

“Most gnomes don’t – You know what?  I’m not gonna have this conversation.  What did you need?”

“Some people have suggested that my depiction of you in my previous blog post may have contributed to the early exit of my Blue Devils from the tournament.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that.  Well, I CAN, because, you know, I’m Jesus.”

“Anyhoo…I just wanted to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize for anything I may have said that painted you in a less than flattering light.”

“Apology accepted, Captain Needa…Just kidding.  I’m not going to smite you.  Although I could, because, you know…Jesus.”

“Great.  Again, all apologies.  Now, do you think you could…ya know…turn back time and make it so that loss never occurred?”

“I don’t do that.”

“Superman could do it.”

“You know Superman isn’t real, right?”

“Cher can do it…and Cher’s real…at least most of her…some of her.”

“First of all, she said ‘If I could’…IF.  Secondly, she was referring to something called ‘towhm’.  If I could turn back towhm…towhm.”

"What about the Tea Party?  Can't they turn back time?"

"Only on race relations and female reproductive rights."


“So, that’s a ‘no’ on the reversal of fortune request?”

“I’m not a genie.”

“You’re right…You’re right.  I apologize for the suggestion.  You wanna grab some lunch?”

“I could eat.”

“Great.  I’m gonna go get changed.  In the meantime, can you put these on?”


“I prefer the term ‘shoe covers’.”

“For what?”

“We both know you spend a lot of time at the beach…carrying people apparently.  While that is commendable, a lot of that sand gets in my car.  It took like two weeks for me to vacuum all the sand out of my car last time…and it still doesn’t FEEL clean.  So, I was just thinking you could…uhhh…ya know…wears the shoe covers.”


“I’m gonna have to apologize again, aren’t I?”

“Wouldn’t hurt.”

“Sorry…Did I tell you that I bought a ticket to the world?”


“No, I just can’t seem to get that lyric out of my head, and thought saying it aloud would help.”

 “How’d that work out for ya?”

“Didn’t seem to help.”

“You’re welcome…”

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