Sunday, December 7, 2014

Dear Diary: See? I Told You...

Public Service Announcement:

Hello, Caucasian-Americans.  Damion C McCloud here.
·         Are you uncomfortable with how comfortable you are around your peers?
·         Do your get-togethers and holiday parties look like a Norman Rockwell painting, or a L.L. Bean catalog, or a Norman Rockwell painting of a L.L. Bean catalog?
·         Are the only minorities in your “inner circle” clearing your dishes, doing your laundry, and / or teaching your curly-haired daughter how to tap dance down an inexplicably long staircase?
·         Has your sense of humor resulted in you being called in front of HR on more than one occasion?
·         Trying to impress that coed who is long on “inclusion” and short on appropriately-lengthed skirts?
·         Fear being called “racist” even though you won’t even say words that contain the letter “n”?
·         Ever been accused of a hate crime?

If you answered “Yes” to any (or all) of these questions, then I have just the thing.  The McCloud Corporation’s Racial Harmonics Division, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the company that brought you such services as Rent-A-Kid and Shame Insurance (“Shame Insurance: We can’t guarantee you’ll go to Heaven, but we can guarantee people will think you did.”), now brings you “Some of My Closest Friends” or SOMCFs (pronounced suhm kuhfs).

What is SOMCFs?
SOMCFs provides a splash of needed color to your get-togethers, weddings, birthday parties, family gatherings, and photo albums, to make you appear more…“inclusive” to the world at large.

What services do you offer?
·         A variety of races*, creeds, hues, nationalities, religions, abilities, and sexual-orientations
·         Groups
·         Individuals
·         Families
·         Acquaintances
·         Long-term friends
·         Long-distance friends
·         Photo-shopping services**
·         * - mixed race costs extra
·         **  - age-progression services costs extra

The key to SOMCFs is personalization, because we realize that, like snowflakes, no two white people are alike.  Our Diversity Experts walk each prospective client through our proprietary Race Card Susceptibility Assessment to gauge just how bad things are, or can be made to appear.  Once the Assessment has been completed, we work with the client to discuss the level of service.

How much does it cost?
SOMCFs offers a variety of packages for all situations and budgets ranging from “Trailer Park” to “Gated Community”.  The question is not can you afford to use SOMCFs; the question is can you afford not to.

“SOMCFs: See? I told you…”